Monday, August 14, 2006

After Midnite

I can't sleep.
I don't want to sleep. Crazy thing for me to say , especially when I usually love to go to bed.
Last night a scary thing happened to me . I was looking out my bedroom window when , I must have fallen asleep. The next thing I knew I was awake, except I couldn't move a muscle, nothing, I couldn't talk, or hardly breathe. I was freaking out trying to call my husbands name and elbow him to help me . I could not move at all. So after what seemed like forever,which probably was only a couple of minutes, I fought with my body to make myself move. Finally, I felt movement coming back to me and I jumped up and smacked my husband and told him what happened. You know what he did said oh ,that was scary , and fell back asleep.I was pissed, and scared. In the morning we considered what had happened. We both came to the conclusion that it was sleep induced paralysis. Where you wake up but the part of your brain that controls all of your muscles doesn't actually wake up with you. I guess it is pretty common. My husband felt that I am exhausted and because of my lack of a rest my mind is playing tricks on me.What ever it was , I pray it never happens again, I actually thought I was having s heart attack .

Ever since I was a little girl I have been scared of death, of how, of when..ect.
I am one of those people who just loves life so much that I am so afraid to just be a memory. I wanna be there! I am by nature a contradictive person,
I am wild, yet demure. Strong but weak, Arrogant and insecure. Calm..yet anxious.
I sometimes have anxiety attacks about death. They just seem to come from nowhere.
Bam,there they are .I hate it . It is a part of my life I don't really tell anyone about. I see now that I am not the only one who has them. It is a liberating thought to realize , your not going crazy.

I know I worry too much, but I only get one shot at this life, I wanna get it right. My babies mean the world to me and I don't want to even think about leaving them to face this crazy ,deranged , world alone. So yes, after last nights episode, I am a little leary about entering la-la land for a restful sleep. Even though I m tired and need it desparatly.

I guess I should probably close shop down and head to bed because my head feels very heavy, and I am misspelling everything. So I will close for now , please pray that I get a decent nights rest and have no more episodes.


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